#DBlogWeek ’15 – Day 3 – It’s dirty

Pic 20This, I think, is the amount of BG meters I’ve acquired over the years that are stashed away on the top shelf of the linen closet. I was planning to make it the topic of today’s DBlogWeek post.  But a better idea came to me at 2:15 on Tuesday morning while engaged in a bit of a dispute in a diabetes-related Facebook group over something that really isn’t relevant here. I was also awake at 2:15 am surfing Facebook because an hour earlier I had mistakenly rage-bolused one-third of my normal Total Daily Dose of Novolog to bring down a stubborn BG of only 260 mg/dl, and therefore had to stay awake to chow down on a dozen glucose tablets and patiently and fearfully wait for my CGM to roll back to an upward-trend. For some reason, these are the times when I come up with my best blog posts.

DblogWeek-2015

It must have been karma, that self-administered overdose of insulin. That worry of “what have I done?” and “what’s going to happen to me?”, simultaneous to the implication I made in that online discussion that someone else isn’t doing “it” right. Do unto others as I did, and something bad will happen unto me.

I emerged from the insulin-overcorrection incident with little physical evidence other than the chalky, orangeyish residue in my mouth. The opinion-overcorrection left a scar — a scar in a place that has seen many other scars develop lately.

My conscience.

In response to today’s DBlogWeek prompt (click here), the thing that needs a thorough cleaning the most is not my museum of blood glucose meters, nor is it my collection of unused pen-needles from eight years ago (“just in case”), nor is it the bottom of my backpack which is coated with the residue of an exploded Level-life gel.

It’s my conscience. I have a dirty conscience, and it’s been weighing heavily on me lately.

Over the past year or so, I’ve not been as warm within the diabetes community as I’d hoped to be. Some of my posts have been increasingly critical. Some of my tweets have been outwardly confrontational. Some of my comments have been borderline condescending.

It hasn’t gone unnoticed by me. I’ve been making a concerted effort to change and to be more welcoming and more accepting. But so far it hasn’t worked, and the regret reprises itself moments after I click “Publish” or press “Send”. The unpublished drafts on my own blog, you’ll see that it’s filled with these types of examples, but my published comments on some other blogs are out there for eternity.

As I make my short-lived cameos lately within the DOC, it’s as if a dark cloud hovers over me and drives me to retreat back to seclusion and isolation. I’ve really grown to dislike who I’ve become sometimes, and I’m troubled by the perception I expect others to have of me.

If this has gone unnoticed by you, wonderful. But I know some of you have seen my improper statements, followed by a feeble attempt to un-say whatever it is that I had just said. At one point, a d-blogger for whom I have tremendous respect and admiration noticed my sudden streak of negativity and called me out on it (thankfully, in private via email). I still haven’t forgotten it, and if that blogger is reading this, Thank You. I needed it (and perhaps a few more doses of it as well).

But it’s not only the things I’ve said and regretted that weigh me down, it’s the things I’ve thought and not said. The opinions I keep in the privacy of my own brain. After all, I am my own worst critic.

Now, I am committed to finding a way to making my conscience clean again.

Somehow.

I recognize it won’t come from changing my behavior; it must come from changing my thoughts.

How do I do that? One possibility is to step away from these situations (as I’ve been toying with doing) and take an extended and forced break from the DOC. Another possibility is to immerse myself so deeply in the community that I grow to love everyone in such a real and non-superficial way that a mean thought never crosses my mind again. That’s probably not realistic. I’m not sure there is a right answer – but it’s got to be somewhere in the middle.  I’ll try to find it.

In the meantime, I still seek a clean conscience.

So — if I’ve said anything to you that was upsetting, offensive, rude, or demeaning, or if I just made you uncomfortable, I’m sorry. I won’t link to those spots on the web (why open old wounds?) but trust me when I say that I haven’t forgotten, and I haven’t forgiven myself yet.

 

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Posted on May 13, 2015, in D-blog week 2015, Diabetes. Bookmark the permalink. 10 Comments.

  1. Scott, I appreciate your honesty in your DBlog Week posts. It takes a lot of guts to “own it,” and as someone who also carries a guilty conscience for the same reasons, I commend you for taking steps to make things better. Ultimately we deal with a disease that is all day, every day, and we are bound to be human in how we articulate emotions on the bad days. (Or we are human in that it may not even be diabetes-related!). Accepting responsibility and moving forward is the best way to go. Thank you for this post.

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    • Thank you Ally. I suppose sometimes I forget that I’m still human. When I read something written for the New York times with its massive distribution, I expect it to be perfect. I expect the same level of perfection from myself when writing on the internet. Yes, I’m human, but the audience in this forum is too large to reconcile our misdeeds over a cup of Celestial Seasonings herbal tea.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think I could write a novel in response to this, but I will try to sum up: you be you. If you are posting your opinions and thoughts because you are trying to be malicious and an asshole, then you should stop because being a jerk isn’t cool. But we don’t all have to think and feel the same way about our circumstances. You shouldn’t have to be all fuzzy-wuzzy if that’s just not how you’re feeling at the moment and if it doesn’t make sense for you. In my opinion, one of worst things a blogger can do is be inauthentic. Being real and non-superficial does NOT automatically mean you’ll be the nicest, lovingest person around. It shouldn’t have to.

    Now, if you’re making these kinds of comments because you have some kind of unresolved issue, then I think it might be helpful to seek out some professional counsel. Cognitive behavioral therapy would probably be the kind of therapy you’d want to look into.

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    • I would say it’s neither of the above — I certainly don’t try to be a jerk and I don’t believe I have any deeper issues. But we deal with very delicate subject matter here, and a disagreement over someone else’s opinion (or the community’s overall accepted feelings, as I discussed in yesterday’s post) isn’t always easy to separate from the opinion of someone else. It takes some clever word-crafting to communicate the message appropriately.

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  3. I think of you as a nice and fun and thoughtful person! Maybe kind of sassy or prickly, but I always think you’re doing it intentionally and it’s part of the FUN OF SCOTT E! Or are you actually being mean to me because I annoy you? If so, those comments are going over my head.

    I’ve read a lot of what you write (and comment) and I have never seen anything that made me think anything other than GOOD GUY.

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  4. All I can say Scott is…. I totally fucking get it. You already know how I feel, we talk about it far too often in private. Private for a reason. I think I’m in a similar boat drifting along the undulating sea of online betes.
    You certainly don’t express those thoughts and opinions very loudly online. It’s that or my own thoughts and opinions are way worse than yours.

    I’m here with you.. for you… it’s all good.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This was such a moving post. Thanks for the honesty! I hadn’t noticed any “bad” comments from you. I hope you don’t retreat from the DOC because I like having you here! I wouldn’t have met you otherwise.

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  1. Pingback: #DBlogWeek ’15 – Day 5 – DayOfFoodabetes | Rolling in the D

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