My, what big optic nerves you have!

“I don’t see any diabetes in those eyes,”

the doctor said.

 

Which was reassuring, in a way….

…but also unsettling.

After 33 years with diabetes, you’d think she would have found something. There has to be something!

 

Maybe she just wasn’t looking closely enough??

A part of me wishes there was something there.  Something small and insignificant, but something.

Something that tells me that her exam was thorough.

 

As a doctor, I like her.  She’s very personable.  At every visit, she acknowledges how hard life with diabetes must be. She genuinely appreciates it, yet never claims to understands it.  Because unless you live it, you can’t fully understand.

 

She found something last time. Something minuscule that had disappeared over the past year. So I know she’s looking, especially at that particular spot.

 

But finding “nothing” is like those rare occasions of seeing a CGM “no-hitter” after indulging on birthday cake. It’s too far-fetched to believe. Things couldn’t have gone that right.

The stars never seem to line-up just perfectly, and when they appear that they do, it’s because we’re missing something.

 

Everything’s not right.  It can’t be.

 

No matter what, I never seem to come home from the ophthalmologist visit feeling happy or confident.

Even with the best news possible.

* * *

(Yes, I do have unusually large optic nerves, but that has nothing to do with diabetes.  They say it could affect peripheral vision later in life, though.  Sigh.)